If I Am

So, you may know, I have been having medical problems lately. I’ve been to the ER twice, been admitted once, going through tons of outpatient testing. While they haven’t “officially” found anything, they are thinking that it is a cardiac issue, and one which is not so great to have (as if any are great, really). Lately, I’ve been upset because I am so incredibly fatigued. I mean, ridiculously fatigued. Like, I can’t be awake more than 30 minutes without feeling like I need to lie back down for a nap, and then actually napping for 4 hours straight. It has been beyond irritating for me. I hate being idle. I feel like I’m wasting my day.

Today, I woke up, went to Mass, went out with some friends to lunch, came home and anticipated tossing a load of laundry in the washer and uploading some pictures. Nope. Way too tired. Decided that I’d read a book in bed. Nope. Nap time. Now, it’s like 1:30 pm or so? Yeah. Woke up at 5:30 pm. Where has my weekend gone?? 😦

As soon as I woke up, these lyrics were playing in my head, particularly the highlighted phrases:

“If I Am” by Nine Days

So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience!
For though I cannot fly,
I’m not content to crawl!…
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith!
I want to be with you forever,
If tomorrow’s not too late!…

And it’s always too late when you’ve got nothing
So you say!…
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today…

IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down…
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down…

So your walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But you’re so far gone,
That you don’t see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you’ve been handed!
For though you cannot fly,
You’re not content to crawl!…

And it’s always too late when you’ve got nothing
So you say!…
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises…

IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down…
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down…

So you’re standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall…

IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down…
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down…

The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along…
You don’t talk of dreams
I won’t mention tomorrow.
And we won’t make those promises that we can’t keep…

I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!
I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!

While I might be frustrated, I need to remember that God is always with me. That He is not here to watch me as I suffer. And that even crawling, we are still making progress, and the only progress worth making is that which draws us closer to being with Him forever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s