Don’t do this:
Thanks to Cara for this important Public Service Announcement! 🙂
I thought this was hilarious! Biggby coffee already has as their largest size a 24 oz, which is 4 oz larger than a Starbucks Venti (my usual size). But then, I was randomly looking at Biggby Bob’s blog and found THIS!
Check it out, you will laugh too! Happy Wednesday!
Says something about us, doesn’t it?
Co-worker Kathy gets off the phone and her face is bright red. We ask why. “I said ‘Amen!’ instead of ‘Goodbye!’,” she says. Then, she looks at me, “This is all your influence!!! You need to tell your priests what you are doing to me!”
I will take the credit/blame.
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me..
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
For example, take the books I picked up from the library today:
“Son of a Witch” by Gregory Maguire
“Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Catholic Faith: 101 Stories to Offer Hope, Deepen Faith, and Spread Love” by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & LeAnn Thieman
“He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
“Sex for Busy People: The Art of the Quickie for Lovers on the Go” by Emily Dubberley (This I think will be hysterical! Completely absurd!)
“Benedict XVI: Spiritual Thoughts in the First Year of His Papacy” by USCCB
The “Sex for Busy People” book? Ugh. Completely X-rated. I’m surprised this was available on the shelves at the public library. Yuck. Not funny. Morally offensive.
I’m standing in line in the hospital caf this morning, for my once-a-paycheck omelet. Bryan the Omelet Boy sees me in line, points and says (loudly) to the crowd, “I love her! If I didn’t already have a girlfriend, she’d be it!” 🙂
Certainly brightens the day…. 🙂
Apparently, the structural integrity of my milk carton became compromised sometime after my dinner of Cheerios, and milk spilled everywhere inside my refrigerator, and eventually, onto the floor where I noticed it. Graciously, Niki decided to help me with clean up efforts! 🙂 I transferred the remaining milk into a 2 liter bottle which had previously contained Squirt, trying not to sing the Lime and Coconut song…. 🙂
(Sent to me by our DRE):
RECALL NOTICE: The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed ‘Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality,’ or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by ‘Knee Mail’.
Orville Redenbacher, you have disappointed me. I thought your easy microwaveable treats would make a fine, warm dinner. However, they quickly cooled and was not nearly as tasty as the popcorn I can pay a billion dollars for at the movie theatre. Oh how I wish you would work on your Secret Recipe just a little bit more so that bachelors as myself can have an enjoyable meal on nights when they are too cold to get out to the store, too broke to order a pizza and too lazy to cook using more than one pan.