Category Archives: Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts

My Heart is in That Man

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Prayer/Prayer Requests, Vocation
heart shaped cloud

It is rather a unique experience for me, but this man, for whom God has given me to pray and care, and by whom God has taught me so much about what it means to love another person (in a non-romantic way), has my heart.

I wrestle with this concept — I really do! On one hand, I keep questioning myself; is there something wrong with me? Is there something disordered here? Because I don’t want that. That would be “of me” and not “of God,” and I don’t want to have any part of something which is not “of God.” For His sake, my sake, and his sake. So, I triply denounce anything which is just my runaway emotions or imaginings.

But…

I don’t think this is disordered. I pray about it all the time. I discern myself and with my spiritual director, priest, and others. I think that it is just a unique way of loving which I am less familiar with, but with which God in increasingly making me familiar.

See, we are all meant to love outside of ourselves. We are all meant to see each other person as the most holy thing you will encounter with your senses outside of the Eucharist — Jesus Himself. We are all meant to pour our entire selves out for other people.

I know that I am an unfinished work, because although I am getting closer to understanding this with this one person, I don’t yet have this kind of love for ALL people. And I should. I really should.

I think it’s a process. Of softening my heart. Perhaps in a way, my heart was hardened. Oh, not in the sense that I was mean or uncaring for other people — that’s never been the case. But I think that I have been hurt before, and so I hide my heart within myself and only share parts of it with others.

For this one man, however, God has done something like take my heart outside of the place where I keep it hidden within me and placed it within him.

If this all sounds rather odd and unpolished, it’s because it is. These are new thoughts, and I’m hashing them all out here for you to see (and me to remember and be able to go back to later). What it comes from is from my experience last night. Whenever I’m around this person, I feel some sort of visceral connection. Like my senses are being tweaked. I’m kind of used to that by now. It helps me, I think, to “tune in.” Does he need more prayer than usual today? Does he seem sad, burdened, joyful? How can I help?

I was at that Called and Gifted workshop last night and he was there also. As I was leaving — driving away — I looked back at the place and the thought came to me (in a way different that my thinking it myself, if that makes any sense), “My heart is in that man.”

Last night, just before bed, I was reading from Peter Kreeft’s book, “Before I Go.” The last thing I read was “What Does ‘I Love You’ Mean?” He replies, “‘I love you’ means ‘I tie myself to you.'” I find this to be so true. I’ve written before about how I think that prayer binds you — in love, in Him — to another person. I think prayer is one of the most loving things you can do for another person. So, as I pray, I am binding myself, and I am loving. And I am finding that my heart is moving outside of me and is residing in others.

This morning, I woke up and continued reading. On the next page, he’s talking about family and another line jumped out at me. “So to give someone your time is to give him your life.”

A true gift of self. I am not my own. I belong to God. May I cooperate and go wherever He leads me, and continually seek after the pieces of my heart which He is placing in others.

How Not to Wake Up

Health and Medicine, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Prayer/Prayer Requests
Volcano

I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to wake up.

For example, screaming in pain. This is not the right way.

Unfortunately, this is how I woke up. I had a muscle cramp in my leg so bad, my entire limb was distorted. While screaming and trying to stretch it out — something to make it feel better — my thoughts were of earthquakes as I tried to determine the Richter number of this particular episode. The epicenter of this particular event seemed to be in my ankle and shooting up the lateral side of my calf.

“On fire” does not even begin to describe the feeling. Even through the screamy pain, I did unite my suffering to the cross for a particular person. You are going to have a fantastic day. You’re welcome! 🙂

In further achy news, my chronically tight and painful neck muscles have spread their misery to my surrounding upper back muscles. Way to share, guys.

Soon, it will be close enough to dawn to attempt a walk to the park to stretch these muscles out. Let’s all cheer. Neuromuscular disorder – yay. :/

Disease Progression

Health and Medicine, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts
The infamous abs

It’s funny what upsets us.  Lately, I’ve noticed an increase in pain and weakness in new muscle groups.  Insertion points in my knees and shoulder…  Facial muscles (which is why I’ve been rubbing my cheeks lately)…

But the one that’s making me really sad is my abs.  Yep.  You wouldn’t have thought, would you?  I’ve always counted on my abs.  I could do crunches and sit-ups like crazy in the Navy.

And now…. they too are succumbing to the disease.  And I am not happy about that.  🙂

You’d think I’d be more concerned about my lungs, nausea, or my heart.  But this isn’t about those parts of me being attacked which are more life-threatening, but those which I will miss the most.

For you, my dear abdominal muscles:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas

A Reflection on a Reflection

Neat Things I Didn't Author, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Pope Benedict XVI, Vocation

Zenit posted this reflection by Pope Benedict, and it really spoke to me. So, I’m putting it out there, along with my own commentary, 🙂 so that our shepherd can feed you spiritually, as well. 🙂

Pope Leads Roman Priests in Scripture Reflection

 Considers Vocation, Lack of Catechesis, Truth and Charity

 VATICAN CITY, FEB. 24, 2012 (Zenit.org).- Benedict XVI on Thursday met with priests of his diocese and led them in “lectio divina,” offering a spontaneous Scripture reflection.  Following a reading from the Letter of St. Paul to the Ephesians, the Pope gave an extensive off-the-cuff commentary on the passage.

The Apostle says: “I … beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

The Holy Father reflected on the vocation to the priesthood.  [I think it is quite interesting that the Holy Father picked this passage.  See, for me, this passage has always spoken to me of my vocation, to be an intercessor, and in a particular way, to be an intercessor for priests.]

The first call we receive is that of baptism, the Pope explained, the second is the vocation to be pastors at the service of Christ. “The great ill of the Church in Europe and the West today is the lack of priestly vocations. Yet, the Lord calls always, what is lacking are ears to listen. We listened to the Lord’s voice and must remain attentive when that voice is addressed to others. We must help to ensure the voice is heard so that the call will be accepted.”  [I think this lack of hearing is not reserved to men discerning a vocation to the priesthood, but everyone, especially in this age where we barely take the time to reflect on the sound bites which are sent our way – much less a message which actually requires pondering.  How can we possibly hear God if we are surrounding ourselves with a cacophony of meaningless noise?  I think as a coping mechanism, we have created what I call the “Junk Filter.”  My junk filter is usually running on High; meaning that very little gets through, and most of what does gets immediately trashed and forgotten as “irrelevant data.”  This extends not only to that which I hear, but also to that which I read – to the extent that often I find myself not “reading” at all, but scanning through text to see if anything might jump out that might have significance for me.  The problem with all of this is that there is much of value which I am missing.  And, worst of all, the voice of God could get caught in my junk filter without my being aware of it.]

According to St. Paul, the primary virtue that must accompany vocation is humility. This is the virtue of the followers of Christ Who, “being equal to God, humbled Himself, accepting the status of servant, and obeying even unto the cross. This was the Son’s journey of humility, which we must imitate. … The opposite of humility is pride, the root of all sin. Pride means arrogance, which above all seeks power and appearance. … It has no intention of pleasing God; rather of pleasing itself, of being accepted, even venerated, by others. The ‘self’ becomes the centre of the world; the prideful self which knows everything. Being Christian means overcoming this original temptation, which is also the nucleus of original sin: being like God, but without God.”

By contrast “humility is, above all, truth, … recognition that I am a thought of God in the construction of His world, that I am irreplaceable as I am, in my smallness, and that only in this way am I great. … Let us learn this realism; not seeking appearance, but seeking to please God and to accomplish what He has thought out for us, and thus also accepting others. … Acceptance of self and acceptance of others go together. Only by accepting myself as part of the great divine tapestry can I also accept others, who with me form part of the great symphony of the Church and Creation.” In this way, likewise, we learn to accept our position within the Church, knowing that “my small service is great in the eyes of God.”  [This is a hard lesson to learn even within my own vocation.  See, just because God has made an individual extremely important in my life (so that I – in my self-absorption – might occasionally remember to do that to which I have been called), this does not mean that I am equally important in that other’s life.  And the truth is:  I shouldn’t expect this.  God gave me this person so that I might support him in prayer, because he needs this.  I am to be a spiritual warrior, in a sense, so that he can do what it is that God is calling him to do.  And so, while I am struggling myself with trying to create some distance from the secular cacophony so that I might better hear God, I need to remember that he, and others, also need that same distance.  However hard it might be when normal channels of communication are severed between friends for the sake creating this opportunity for inner solitude.  It is precisely in this dynamic that I can learn more fully what it means to love, which I think is why God gave me this vocation in the first place.  Because this other person is such a central part of my day and my prayers, I assume for myself a similar status.  Aren’t I important, too?  Of course I am!  But wait, isn’t that a distinct lack of humility?  Why, yes, it is.  And further, it’s an insufficient expression of love.  For what is love but giving your life in some way for another person?  I should only be seeking to give and not to receive.  I am only being asked to give of my time and my prayers.  Any friendship which we might have is a gratuitous gift from God.  True love in Christ is to always want what is best for the other.  Obviously, the opportunity to grow closer to Christ is what is best for the other.  And so I must not mourn the seeming separation that the fasting from technological communication causes, but rejoice in the fact that a deeper bond is being made with our Lord.  The reality is that as each of us individually becomes more closely united with our Lord, we are more closely united to each other – because we are part of the same body which is Him.  Sometimes, I just need to hash this all out on paper (or cyberpaper, as the case may be), in order to see what it is which God wishes me to see.  And I think that in the end, He’s trying to tell me that humility and obedience to His will ultimately leads to an increase in love.  Following my inclinations will only frustrate that after which I am seeking.]

Immature faith

Lack of humility destroys the unity of Christ’s Body. Yet at the same time, unity cannot develop without knowledge. “One great problem facing the Church today is the lack of knowledge of the faith, ‘religious illiteracy,'” the Pope said. “With such illiteracy we cannot grow. … Therefore we must reappropriate the contents of the faith, not as a packet of dogmas and commandments, but as a unique reality revealed in its all its profoundness and beauty. We must do everything possible for catechetical renewal in order for the faith to be known, God to be known, Christ to be known, the truth to be known, and for unity in the truth to grow.”

We cannot, Benedict XVI warned, live in “a childhood of faith.” Many adults have never gone beyond the first catechesis, meaning that “they cannot – as adults, with competence and conviction – explain and elucidate the philosophy of the faith, its great wisdom and rationality” in order to illuminate the minds of others. To do this they need an “adult faith.” This does not mean, as has been understood in recent decades, a faith detached from the Magisterium of the Church. When we abandon the Magisterium, the result is dependency “on the opinions of the world, on the dictatorship of the communications media.” By contrast, true emancipation consists in freeing ourselves of these opinions, the freedom of the children of God. “We must pray to the Lord intensely, that He may help us emancipate ourselves in this sense, to be free in this sense, with a truly adult faith, … capable of helping others achieve true perfection … in communion with Christ.”

Truth

The Pope went on: “Today the concept of truth is viewed with suspicion, because truth is identified with violence. Over history there have, unfortunately, been episodes when people sought to defend the truth with violence. But they are two contrasting realities. Truth cannot be imposed with means other than itself! Truth can only come with its own light. Yet, we need truth. … Without truth we are blind in the world, we have no path to follow. The great gift of Christ was that He enabled us to see the face of God.”

“Where there is truth, there is charity,” the Pope concluded. “This, thanks be to God, can be seen in all centuries, despite many sad events. The fruits of charity have always been present in Christianity, just as they are today. We see it in the martyrs, we see it in so many nuns, monks, and priests who humbly serve the poor and the sick. They are the presence of Christ’s charity and a great sign that the truth is here.”  [Perhaps what is needed is to view it not so much as being a spiritual warrior, but as being a spiritual servant.  For it certainly isn’t through any action of mine that my prayers have efficacy, but through the fact that God allows me to participate in this way so as to be a conduit for His grace.  It is His mercy which allows for my participation, not for the good of the person or people for whom I pray, but for the conversion of my own heart to be conformed to His.]

Retreat Journal

Neat Things I Didn't Author, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Penance, Prayer/Prayer Requests

Day One:  Friday, December 09, 2011

I come into this retreat experience remembering the disappointment that was last year’s retreat.  My expectations were completely different than what actually took place and caused no small amount of frustration.  This year, I know basically what to expect, and I know that I can to an extent determine the course of my own retreat experience.  Last year, I thought that we were confined to the schedule of the retreat center and was rather annoyed to find out that instead of a restful, quiet, prayerful time, my day was filled from dawn to starlight with conferences.  Now, I know that I can skip those and that’s totally okay.  Not that the talks might not be valuable in themselves.  But for me, I need some time set aside for personal reflection and prayer.  I have tons of distractions at home and find it difficult to get anything done there.  Here, at least, I have fewer distractions.  I hope.  🙂  I know that I have my laptop and my cell phone, but I intend to use my computer for only offline work, and my cell for the Liturgy of the Hours.

What are my goals for this retreat?  I suppose first off, I want to get some studying in for my Nature & Mission of the Church final that I have on Tuesday.  I know, that doesn’t sound very retreatesque, but I really should study, and it’s about His Church, so it will help me to get closer to God while I read the material, right?  I think that’s a valid use of my retreat time.  Perhaps I’ll work on that second paper for the class while I am here as well, for much the same reasons.  On a personal note, I hope to spend some real time in quiet prayer and reading of the Scriptures.  I pulled several books off the shelf from their library and hope to dive into those a bit, too.

What’s happened so far?  Well, Mila and I arrived a little before 6 pm and got our room assignments. I spend a few minutes, not really unpacking, but rather putting things in the general area of where I would like them to be and just taking a moment in my room to be alone.  I know, not my usual modus operandi, but a good thing, I think.  At 6:30 pm, we went in to dinner, and I ended up sitting next to a girl who lives in Rochester Hills and grew up at St. Anastasia (although she doesn’t go there now).  We had a good conversation, which ran until the time for our opening conference at 7:30 pm.  I have to say, that was *long*.  Perhaps not temporally long, but it was tough to sit through all of that.  Plus, the little movie (or, well, longish movie) that they had us watch was set to this really sugary, calming music.   Probably not the best move to show people after a long day at work at the end of a long work week and right after eating.  🙂  But, I managed to stay awake, although I was tempted to leave and return to my room for a little while.

The message of our time here at the retreat center is “Are We There Yet?” and is attempting to focus us on our lives and the goal of attaining Heaven and how to get there.  Okay, decently interesting.  I suppose I can reflect on this.  🙂  The only problem came when they started talking about the schedule for the next couple days.  See, most of it was fine, until they started explaining about Reconciliation.  There are going to be two time periods tomorrow where we can go to the chapel and the priests will be available for individual reconciliation.  However, they are also going to have a communal reconciliation on Saturday night, and the priest said explicitly that, “Just come up to me or Fr. P.  You don’t have to tell us any sins or say any act of contrition, because we will assume that you have already done this on the way up.  Just let us know that you want the sacrament and we will give you sacramental absolution.”  Is this even legit?  I thought that communal reconciliation was just for cases of emergencies, like war or something.  I don’t see how this could be justified when we have recourse to Reconciliation two other times on the same day!

Alright, I’m not going to gain any headway on that matter and now probably isn’t the best time to try and argue about that.  Plus, maybe I’m wrong.  I really don’t know what the rules are for religious order priests.  Perhaps it just rubs me the wrong way and that’s just my issue.  No matter.  I can just go to Reconciliation the normal way and not worry about the rest.  And, hey!  I can spend that time that they are going to be using for the communal reconciliation to pray on my own!  Win-win!  🙂

Next item that made me want to say Hmmm…  The anointing.  At the end of the opening conference, they had us all come up to either Fr. P or the female retreat director (or assistant, I’m not sure what her official title is) to get an anointing, which I took to be a kind of blessing for our retreat.  And what she said was pretty much that, a blessing.  It was good.  And it smelled good too!  Wait.  Too good.  Is that…?  No…  Could it be…?  Did they just anoint us all with Holy Chrism?!?  Can they do that??

At any rate, I now smell great.  We all spent some time in front of the “exposed” Eucharist (the ciborium was out of the tabernacle, yet remained covered).  Not sure if that’s different that if He were in the tabernacle or not, but it’s Jesus and the point is that I got to spend some time with Him.  I think, too, that my wish that he were out a little more is okay by Him; after all, I just want more of Him…  How could He say “No” to that?  😉

And now to start reading the first of my retreat books:  “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint Exupery.  I remember reading this is French class; however, any Christian references were completely lost on my atheist self, so I was quite surprised to see it on the shelf here under Spirituality.  I suppose I am about to find out…  Wish me luck and that the Holy Spirit may see fit to give me some insight.  🙂  See you on the flip side!

Day Two:  Saturday, December 10, 2011

Good Morning!  This morning’s schedule looks pretty full already!  🙂  20 minutes until Morning Prayer, breakfast, a conference, a meeting with a spiritual director, reconciliation, Mass, then lunch!  🙂  That’s a lot of eating in just a few hours!  🙂  I’m going to go get clean and put my thoughts in order!

I have to say, I love being in places like this.  I love the simplicity of it all.  It reminds me of being in the military and staying in hotel rooms.  Oddly enough, these are things which I greatly enjoy.  And they had my favorite Kashi cereal for breakfast!  Yum!

I feel a little guilty by missing their conference.  However, in their road trip analogy, some of the talks which they outlined yesterday, I feel that I am comfortable with in my own journey.  As I sit here in my room, looking over my book of prayer intentions, I see a line which I had written in the opening page, regarding intercessory prayer, “It is casting our weakness before God’s strength and having a bit of God’s passion burn in us.”  This simple sentence speaks to me in so many ways.  My priest offers to us to think of the offering of the gifts during Mass to be an opportunity for us to put any of our needs or struggles before the Lord, so then as we pray that the Holy Spirit transform the bread and wine into the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ, so too will something miraculous happen to those particular items which we will to also be upon that paten.  I feel that I am constantly putting things on my paten and offering them to God.  “Please, these are the things that I care about.  I know you can fix them.  Please help!”  Mostly they are people.  I love people.  I love to make people happy.  I love to help people.  I love to be around people.  And I love to pray for people.  I suppose this is a good thing, since I am an intercessor, right?  The part which talks of a bit of God’s passion burning within me, I feel is that deep care, concern and love that I have for the people for whom I intercede.  They may not be people, necessarily, whom I know personally.  Or they may be people with whom I have difficulty.  But nonetheless, I have love for them in my heart, and concern for their well-being, which I believe is God’s love and passion for His people, which He allows to flow through me for their benefit.  The connection between all of us people is as amazing as it is mysterious and I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this.  I wouldn’t miss out on it for anything!

I now have about 7 minutes before my meeting with one of the retreat spiritual directors here.  I’m not exactly sure what I will say, or what advice to ask for.

…

Oh wow.  I don’t even know what to say about that.  I have to talk to my spiritual director after that meeting.  Much to pray about.

Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful Mass.  I am so happy to be allowed to participate in giving Your Precious Blood to others.  I pray that they will be open to the graces which You wish to bestow upon them, and that I may also be open to Your grace.  Amen.

I love going to Reconciliation.  I am always glad to tell the Lord through the priest that I am sorry for offending Him and that I wish for His grace so that I may live a holy life deserving of the gifts which He gives me.  This one started off a little humorous:

I was probably the 6th or 7th penitent.  I entered the confessional and began:

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.  Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  It has been – ”

“Are you here for Confession?”

“Um, yes?”

“Oh, okay.  Go ahead.”

Cover of "The Little Prince (Turtleback S...

I finished reading “The Little Prince.”  It is a cute story.  There is much in there that I could relate to Biblical truths, but for now, I think I will simply reflect upon it in my heart for a bit.  There is one part that I’d like to share.  The little prince relates the story of the fox which he tamed.  It is this taming, this relationship, which makes the fox special to the prince and makes the prince special to the fox.  He also relates this taming to the relationship that he has with his rose on his small planet.  Of this the fox says, “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”  This makes me think of two things:  first, about how praying for someone, if you do it sincerely, creates a visceral connection between you and that other; and second, about how Father says that “wasting time” with the Lord is the best way to spend your time.  I think because it fosters that relationship.  Particularly in front of the Blessed Sacrament, are we tamed by Him.

Next, I started working on my paper a bit.  Peeked through some notes.  Dropped in and stood outside the door to one of the conferences to see what it was that I was missing.  Came back, and worked some more on my paper.  Spend a bit of time not doing anything in particular, but just sitting back and enjoying the quiet.

I suppose that I’m not too good at being quiet for a long period of time, because at 5 pm, I decided to check out the other conference, although not quite in the way that one might expect.  I had discovered on my previous scouting mission that there is a speaker that feeds into the living room area right outside the conference room.  So, I could sit out there in a nice, big comfy chair and listen to the talk.  Even better, I brought with me Henri Nouwen’s, “Can You Drink the Cup?”  So I got to read and listen at the same time.  Multitasking at retreat!  Score!  🙂  15 minutes until dinner, and it’s supposed to be Annie’s famous pot roast.

Words worth reflecting on from Fr. Nouwen, “Lifting our cup means sharing our life so we can celebrate it.  When we truly believe we are called to lay down our lives for our friends, we must dare to take the risk to let others know what we are living,” (59).

Next book read, “The Seven Deadly Sins and Why We Love Them,” by John Steinbacher.  The part I like best about this book is that it spoke of the power of prayer, and how patients can be healed or recover faster when their priest is praying for them.  I’m sure this is why I have been out of the ER for as long as I have.  Thank you!  🙂

After that, “Lessons from the School of Suffering,” by Fr. Jim Willig:

One day, when I thought I was alone, I prayed in church.  While making this offering before the cross, a parishioner came up to me, put her arm around my shoulder and prayed, ‘Dear God, please heal Father Jim.  And give me his cancer.’  I was incredulous.  I looked at her, and then back to the Lord and quietly prayed, ‘If she insists, Lord, hear our prayer!’  Later I was able to pray, ‘Lord, rather than give my cancer to her, give her heart of love to me – the love that prompted her to deny her very self and pray in such a loving way,’ (21).

I pray like this sometimes.  If I see someone I care greatly for suffering or sick or in pain, I will often ask that the Lord give that to me instead of to him, if that be His will.  Another great quote from Fr. Jim is, “I do not know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future,” (23).

Day Three:  Sunday, December 11, 2011

I went to bed about midnight, knowing that I was going to have to get up early in the morning and leave the retreat center prematurely so that I could attend the baptism of my cousin’s daughter, which was scheduled for 8 am.

This morning, I’m feeling very sick.  I really just want to curl up in my own bed and just sleep the day away, but I have a lot of things to do.  After the baptism, I have to go to the 10:15 am Mass at St. A’s because they are going to read my Mass intention for Fr. Anonymous and I really want to be there for that!  🙂  After Mass is RCIA.  Hopefully, I will be able to get back home about 1:30 pm.  However, I will still have to study and write my papers, so I won’t be able to crawl into bed just yet.

Lord, please, give me strength!

A Fantastic Evening

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Prayer/Prayer Requests, Sacraments, , , , , , , , , ,
SHMS Jesus

Have I mentioned lately that I love God? Because I love God! He blesses me so often, and so much! (I know that is not a *reason* to love God, but others showing you affection is always a happy thing).

Tonight, I had a *fantastic* evening! Oh, let me count the ways!
1. I wasn’t as sick as I have been lately.
2. After work, I dragged my friend with me to Reconciliation. She hadn’t been to Confession since Easter, and was glad that she had gone.
3. Next, I took her to Fiamma Grille in Plymouth, where we had yummy appetizers! Another friend had mentioned that we might be going out for dinner later, so I didn’t eat a meal.
4. After dropping my friend off at home, I went to the Seminary’s Christmas Choir Concert.
5. I listened to some great music!
6. I met up with several friends and got to spend some time with them. I love these people and I’m so happy that I was able to be around them, even if for a short time!
7. Through everything, God was very present to me. Earlier in the day, a dear friend had asked me to pray for him for something specific. Before the evening’s activities, I found out that God had granted my prayer request for my friend! After Reconciliation, I felt the Lord’s presence in everything and everywhere I went.

God + food + music + friends has got to = some small preview of Heaven! Can I go there now? 🙂 Because I loved tonight, and if Heaven is anything like tonight (and I have reason to hope that it is better), I want to go there NOW! 🙂

On Death and Rollercoasters

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, , ,
Skyhawk - DSCN9430

Cedar Point was fun. I love rollercoasters. Ironically, I’m also scared of both heights and falling. And I am part-Houdini in the fact that no matter how tight people strap me down, I end up being able to wiggle out of the restraints. So while everyone else is waving their hands in the air, I am — as Damien points out — putting claw marks in the grab bar … and laughing. 🙂 And I didn’t get a good reply to this in confession: if I am standing before some monstrosity of a fear-inducing ride that my friend are bent on torturing me with, is it taking the Lord’s name in vain to say “Oh Dear God!” when you follow that up with “Please help me not die on that thing!” and a few Hail Marys??

Erwin and Rob on Dragster - DSCN9394

When thinking of my experiences with these rollercoasters, it always seems to follow the same formula. I look at one of them and am not sure about it. As I stand in line and contemplate it further, I get anxious and don’t think that I can handle it. I pray my way through this and end up making myself go despite my fear and try to trust that God would not allow me to be the one person to die at Cedar Point that day (despite the fact that I’ve always felt that I would die on some freak rollercoaster accident… LOL). Then, I end up having a lot of fun and realize that my fears were silly. (Or maybe not “silly,” after all, as a kid, I’ve been on several rollercoasters and rides where the restraints have had mechanical failures and I’ve had to wrap myself around the grab bars to keep from falling out of the ride. That’s gotta induce some long-term trauma or something….) And I think about death, and how one’s view of death is typically like my view of rollercoasters. From far away, it might not look fearsome, but the larger it looms and the more proximal it is, the greater your anxiety. You try to find ways to avoid it or delay it. It’s not a ride you want to go on, but you are in line already and the wait until your turn gets shorter with every passing minute. You pray and this helps to alleviate your fears a bit. Eventually, the time comes and you put your trust in God and get on the ride. And it ends up being so much better than you could have thought and you wonder why you were afraid to begin with. Had you known at the beginning of the line what you knew at the end, you would have eagerly looked forward to the trip.

And this is one of the many reasons why I know that God is alive and present in my life. I am in that line. But I am not afraid, because He has given me such grace and such peace. And while I know that I am securely fastened and safe in His hands, it’s nice to know that He allows me to cling back.

Father John Corapi

Neat Things I Didn't Author, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Of Vice and Virtue

It seems like everyone has a blog post about Fr. Corapi and his stunning statement released on June 17th. Emotions are running wild and people are divided into pro-Corapi and anti-Corapi camps.

Fr. Corapi had a positive influence on many people and was able to break down church teaching in a very accessible way.

But what is the take-away now? What are we learning from the events which are still unfolding? I think it is still too soon to tell and too soon to be making any predictions. However, I’m a little saddened by what I’ve heard.

Anytime any priest decides to leave the priesthood, it is a tragedy.

Anytime a person is treated unfairly by systems which are supposed to discover truth and uphold justice, it is a tragedy.

Anytime people are more concerned with the latest gossip than with displaying love and compassion for another person, it is a tragedy.

Anytime someone stops following the ways of Christ and begins to follow the way of the world, it is a tragedy.

These statements may or may not apply to the current event, I do not claim to have any particular knowledge of Fr. Corapi’s situation. Sure, I have heard things… I think everyone’s heard something at this point… But as for the truth? I don’t think I will ever know that. And that’s fine. I don’t think I particularly need to know the details.

There are people rabidly defending him and people rabidly attacking him. There are people like Al Kresta, who don’t believe that he is acting in a Christ-like manner and think that he has been indulging in self-pity. As long as the discussion remains charitable, I think it is a good thing. We can discuss actions with which we disagree and still love the person(s) who has(have) committed these actions. We should point out right and wrong, so as to help inform the consciences of others. Charity remains the one attitude we need to keep in the forefront of our minds as we enter into these discussions.

Whatever your feelings are on the subject, I think the best attitude to take is the one expressed by my blog-friend, Jen Fulwiler. She notes in her post that Fr. Corapi was very helpful in her conversion to Catholicism in teaching her the faith. However, the important part, is that the Church is bigger than any one man. And God’s Truth is always out there for us to know and embrace.

I don’t care who your priest is, how well known he is, how close you are to him or how much he has taught you of the faith. Or even how betrayed and lost you might feel if your priest leaves the priesthood or begins to behave contrary to a life of holiness or preach something other than the Gospel. What matters is that the Church has been guaranteed by the Holy Spirit. And if we know anything about God, it is that He is faithful. Even when we are not. (Or perhaps especially when we are not.)

So, at the end of the day, I can only pray that the Lord’s healing and love envelop all those who are affected by these events. No matter what the truth was, there are people significantly hurt. And they deserve our compassion and our prayers. Also, we must remain vigilant in our own faith and not allow it to be weakened by doubt or scandal. The Church is our mother and will not lead us astray, and nothing can pry us from the hands of our Father, so there is nothing to fear.

Gifts of the Holy Spirit

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Prayer/Prayer Requests
The Holy Spirit descends upon Ann Arbor - IMAG0575
Image by CadyLy via Flickr

I went to the Fellowship of St. Paul meeting last night, not knowing exactly what to expect.  I suppose my initial expectation was that it would be a little like the Life in the Spirit seminar that I attended at St. A’s and OLGC earlier in the year, especially since this month’s meeting included a panel that would be speaking on the gift of tongues and indicated that there would be an opportunity for people to be prayed over who wanted the gift.

After Life in the Spirit, everyone focused on the gift of tongues.  “Did you get it?  Did you speak in tongues?”  It was all anyone asked about.  They had made sure to say that there were many gifts of the Spirit and that not everyone received the same gifts.  I concluded that perhaps I just wasn’t one of the people to receive the gift of tongues.

I made a few friends upon arriving at the Seminary and saw several other friends there, which helped me feel more welcome and comfortable.  We started off with praise and worship (singing), which was quite like Steve and Lynn’s Fisherman’s Net prayer group, so it felt familiar and I liked it.  The fact that they sung songs which I knew was helpful, too.  Luckily, I sat next to a man who thought that I had a decent singing voice.  🙂

Next, we had a panel of people speak about the gift of tongues.  Dr. Williamson gave an introduction to the gift of tongues, including describing three uses of the gift:  as a sign of the presence of the Holy Spirit, to build up the Church when used in conjunction with the gift of prophecy, and as a gift for personal prayer.  Carol shared with us some personal experiences, especially healings, related to her gift of tongues and praying in the Spirit.  The priest from England, Fr. Gerard I believe, was quite funny and had some good analogies like relating this gift to laughter and how it wells up from within you but how you have control over it to an extent and can choose when to start laughing and when to stop.  He also related the experience of being in a community of people praying in the Spirit to being at a football (soccer) game, where people would be cheering and chanting and making noise — and how many people go to the games more for that atmosphere, rather than for the game itself (of this, I am so guilty!).

We then spent some time in prayer, led by Fr. Gerard on guitar.

We broke in to small groups, and I joined Dr. Williamson’s group, as he said that he would offer Q&A for people who still had some questions.  I wanted to listen to the various questions and answers, but didn’t particularly have any of my own.  I ended up getting busted for not asking anything, which was a little surprising as I wasn’t aware that I had a reputation for being particularly garrulous.  One of the guys in the small group asked the question about people receiving different gifts, and maybe not everyone would receive this particular gift.  The answer given was one that really makes me think.  He said that while people are given various gifts, it is suggested in Scripture that the gifts of tongues and of prophesy seem to be general gifts given to all.  The problem with many people is not that they do not have the gift, but that they do not use it and nurture it.

Huh.

Well, if I have been given a gift by God, don’t I then have a responsibility to use that gift?  It sounds like I have another area of spiritual growth to explore.

This meeting has also helped me related to our separated brethren, in particular communities like the Pentecostals, where it seems like everyone in the congregation speaks in tongues.  It has always been a mystery to me that — if everyone is given different gifts of the Holy Spirit — how can you have a congregation where everyone has the same gift?  The idea that it is a general gift given to all…well, that explains it quite nicely.  🙂

Sacrifice and Love

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Penance, Prayer/Prayer Requests, Sacraments, Tales of My Amazing Priests

I have to confess that lately my prayer life has really stunk. I mean, I pray every day, especially intercessions for the people I care about. But I haven’t felt that I am growing in my relationship with the Lord. I just feel disconnected in a way. And this is upsetting to me because I am used to having, or feeling that I have, a close connection to Him. So, I have been floundering quite a bit. Which also means that I have been sinning more often and in worse ways than “normal” (if sin can ever be called normal). Which is also irritating, because I really have no desire to do the sins I do, yet I find myself doing them anyway.

I know the problem is me. All me. And I need Reconciliation. I need to stop what I am doing in my life right now and re-order everything — making God my center. This morning, I got up early and went to Adoration before the exposed Eucharist in our chapel. I started by reading the Pope’s book, “In the Beginning,” but was soon interrupted. Something was bothering me; what was it?

I looked up. The Lord was present in the center flanked by 4 candles. In the niche to the right was the tabernacle. In the niche to the left was the Book of Gospels.

Divine Mercy Chapel - dscn0074

However, the Book of the Gospels wasn’t lit as brightly as the tabernacle. You could see that the light was on, but it was as if the dimmer switch was turned very low. This is what was bothering me. We are fed from both tables. We should revere the Word of God as we revere His Body. I wanted the lighting for the two niches to be equal.

I looked back to the book in my hands. It is a great book, and I was enjoying reading it. However, I was still unsettled and I felt an urging, a nudge, to read His Word. So, I got up and grabbed a Bible and sat back down, reading Genesis 3-5.

After Benediction, I got a Pumpkin Spice Latte at my local Starbucks. Instead of leaving right away as I usually do, I settled into a comfy armchair and continued reading the Pope’s book. At one point, I stopped reading…because he said something that made me review my week.

In my last post, I talked about fractioning using a large vs. medium sized host and I included a quote about the Altar of Sacrifice, which gave us a graphic image of the Lord’s Blood and Body splashed all over the altar — for us.

Two days after that post, I was at Mass during lunch at the hospital. Our priest told us that there was a priest upstairs who had been declared brain dead, and that our Transplant team was going to be harvesting his organs for Gift of Life later in the day. I work for the Department of Surgery. That was my team that was going to be in that OR. I was involved, in a way, with this. I thought about what this meant. This priest, whom I didn’t know personally, was giving of himself — one final time here on Earth — for the benefit of another person. Talk about sacrifice. Talk about self-gift. All priests lives flow from and return to the sacrifice on the altar. This news, this realization of what he did and was doing, was a powerful image for me of that visceral, close connection that our priests have to the Mass, to the Lord’s Passion, to the Eucharist. So beautiful.

When I go to Mass, at consecration when the Body of our Lord is elevated, I pray in a particular way. Usually, it goes something like this,

This is Your son, who has You in his hands. I see him looking up at You, and I feel You looking down on him with such love. Please Lord, bless and protect him. Strengthen him to be able to do Your work. Refresh him and support him and give him comfort and encouragement, as only You can do. Keep him healthy in mind and body. Help him to turn his heart ever more towards You. Let him know of the incredible love that You have for him.

I hear back the words the Father spoke at the Baptism of the Lord, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.”

As I finish my recollection of these events of the past week, I return to the Pope’s book. What had given me pause was where he was speaking of the greatest love there is: “I will for you to be.” I think, in context, he was speaking of the incredible love that God has for each one of us that he not only called us into being, but is continually sustaining us in being. For me, I think that this is the best kind of love, one that we should all aspire to have towards the people around us. They are not objects to be used, but people to be loved. Just because they are. Their existence alone gives such joy…or it should.

I am blessed, blessed, blessed by the people I have around me. I love them and I love our Lord who gifted me with them. And I realize that even though I have felt like I’ve had a bad week in my relationship with the Lord, he has been there through it all, giving me grace and love.

After Starbucks, I headed to SS. Cyril and Methodius for Reconciliation prior to Mass. I was to be the next person into the confessional when the priest stopped hearing confessions in order to pray Mass. I looked at the Lord in the tabernacle for a while, “Now what?” After a bit, I headed to St. Anastasia for the 10:15 am Mass. During his homily, Fr. JJ was talking about the Prodigal Son, saying that most people think that they have to reconcile with the Father in order for him to bestow his grace and love upon them, but in fact it is the reverse: it is the fact of the Father’s love which leads to reconciliation.

So, now that I have been graced with this reflection and with the beauty and power and gift that is the Mass…. I will try again to get to Reconciliation this evening. Because God has given me everything which is good in this life.

And I love Him.