It Will Never Happen Again

Jennspeak

Well, as usual, I was up late and too tired to pack for our trip before I went to bed.  I figured that I would just get up early (as I am used to do) and pack then.

 So, of course, I slept in.

 However!  I still managed, somehow, to be showered, dressed, and packed one hour later.  That is amazing.  Especially since I can be a kitchen-sink kind of girl (for good reason, I can go into later).  Then, I had 30 minutes to try and clean up my house before everyone comes over and sees what a bad housekeeper I am. 

They are running a bit late, so more dishes to do for me!

See you all after New York!!!

A New Examination of Conscience

Of Vice and Virtue, Sacraments

I haven’t come across this one before!  I found this examination of conscience here:

1. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

  • Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in money, brains, or influence?
  • Is my desire for poverty of spirit congruent with my lifestyle?
  • Do I use the word of God to rationalize my lifestyle, or am I willing to have God’s word criticize it?
  • Do I cling to my own ideas, opinions and judgments, sometimes to the point of idolatry?
  • Do I contribute my time, talent and money to the poor of the world?
  • Do I make it my business to examine the causes of poverty in our world and work to eradicate unjust systems?

2. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

  • Do I grieve over loneliness, despair, guilt and rejection in the lives of others?
  • Am I willing to admit my own despondencies and need for comfort?
  • Do I minister consolation and healing, or do I blandly encourage people to “have courage,” thereby avoiding the opportunity to mourn with another?
  • Am I doing anything to dry the tears of those who mourn over war, poverty, hunger, injustice?

3. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

  • Do I see any value in meekness or nonviolence?
  • Do I cringe at the thought of being called meek?
  • Do I understand nonviolence as a way to fight evil with good, and do I choose to live that way?
  • How much are intimidation and force part of my lifestyle?
  • Do I work for nonviolent social change?
  • Do I foster a cooperative spirit in my children?

4. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”

  • Have I kept myself ignorant of important current events that are manifestations of injustice?
  • Are my energies and passions focused on Christ, or are they scattered, disordered, divided?
  • Am I honestly trying to improve the quality of life around me?
  • Am I trying to improve the environment, racial relations, care for the unborn, sexual equality, the lives of the poor and destitute?
  • Have I decided that I will not be satisfied until justice is fulfilled in my own life, within my family, my church, my community, my world?
  • Have I let fear keep me silent when I should have spoken out against prejudice, injustice and violence?

5. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

  • Do I operate on a double standard of expecting mercy but not wanting to grant it?
  • Do I prefer the strict law and order approach, or that of mercy, tenderness and compassion?
  • Are there places in my life where people are suffering because of me and my unforgiving attitude?
  • Am I devoid of a merciful spirit toward those I call “enemy”?
  • What is my attitude toward capital punishment, ex-convicts?

6. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

  • Am I trusting and trustful?
  • Do I value living without pretense, or am I constantly fearful that someone will take advantage of me?
  • Am I open and honest about who I am and what I do?
  • Do I deflect the attention and honor due to God and claim these things for myself?
  • Have I been untrue to myself, even a little, for advancement, money or good opinion?
  • Have I failed to take time for prayer, solitude, reflection?

7. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God.”

  • Am I eager for reconciliation, or do I antagonize and yearn for revenge?
  • Do I think apologizing is a sign of weakness?
  • Am I willing to be a bridge in family and community arguments?
  • Do I support violence in films, television and sports?
  • Have I studied peace and taken initiatives to stop violence and war?
  • Have I read, and do I support, the many official church statements against the arms race, nuclear weapons, war?
  • Do I see the Christian vocation as one of peacemaker?
  • Is my presence a source of peace to those around me?

8. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.”

  • Do I criticize or ridicule those who suffer for their beliefs?
  • Am I embarrassed to step out of the mainstream to stand up for a principle?
  • Who are my heroes? Are there any among them who gave their lives without vengeance for what is true?
  • Would I do the same?
  • Do I worship security and fear costly discipleship?
  • Have I called myself Christian without making my life a witness to the teachings of Jesus?
  • Have I openly supported those who defend justice and give their lives for peace?

9. “Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.”

  • Do I live confident of the promises of Jesus?
  • Do I surrender to pessimism and anxiety?
  • Do I perceive that there is a paradoxical victory in the cross of Jesus that breaks through power structures and conquers in peace and love?
  • Have I become cynical rather than hopeful?

From “The Fire of Peace: A Prayer Book – available from Pax Christi USA; #542-217; $12 plus shipping and handling.

Catching Up, Part I

Easter

Well, it has certainly been a while since I posted any of my reflections from the Little White Book.  Have you guys missed my random musings?  🙂

LWB, Saturday 4/5

Today, we talk about the apostles being in the boat in the Sea of Galilee as a storm is going on, and how in the midst of it, they see Jesus walking on the water towards them.  And how this is reassuring (because 1.  He is not conquered by raging storms  2.  He can come to you no matter where you are and 3.  as long as Jesus is with you, there is nothing to fear).

I know I tend to be an odd mix of fearless/wild/reckless and timid/scared/hesitant.  Which pretty much guarantees that I’ll respond inappropriately under any circumstance.  Isn’t that great?!  🙂  Thank God for God.  With Him as my anchor, I can both be confident when I need confidence and strength; and I can be tamed when I am all over the map.  It is so good to have a reference, so that I can come back to center when I drift too far afield.  (Please note:  I am still VERY much a work in progress!)

My original reflection on this was that it goes back to that original question, “Do you trust God?”  Adam and Eve didn’t.  If you believe in God, why would you be afraid?  Even if you would die, you would just be (hopefully) going home.

LWB, Friday 4/4

To paraphrase the LWB, we are talking about the multiplication of the loaves and the fishes, and how the apostles thought the situation hopeless, but that Jesus fed everyone with plenty to spare.  Similarly, we often think that there is no way that we can make a difference in the world’s problems, because they seem so far beyond the scope of capability of one individual.  *I* cannot possibly end world hunger, or gain world peace, or eradicate racism/sexism or any of this.  So, just as the apostles thought that it can’t be done, so too do I often think that it can’t be done.  But the mistake is seeing God as limited.

This is GOD!  He can do ANYTHING!  He created the universe, after all, and I’m thinking that he can’t do….what?

Ah.  I need to come to know, really know, that things occur due to *God’s* initiative, and not of my own merit.  I need to let His grace flow through me, and not be impeded by my personal doubts.

Fr. John was talking the other day of when he was in seminary in Rome, standing before the Pope and getting the impression that he was telling him to simply, “Be great.”  Listening to it then (way back Wednesday, two days ago), I thought of that in the way he presented it.  At the moment, when I think of that story and try to apply it here to me (‘cuz it’s *all* about me), I think that my “being great” has to be about letting God work through me.  If God has no limits, and I do not put a limit on what He can accomplish through me, who knows what good I may do?  His will, not my will.  Seems to be a recurring theme this week.  How about that?  You don’t think someone’s trying to give me a hint, do you?

LWB, Thursday 4/3

Today’s Gospel and reflection deal with the fact that God the Father does not ration His gift of the Spirit.  The LWB goes on to elaborate and show us how none of the persons of the Trinity are anything but ridiculously generous with us in all that is given to us.  And it isn’t just quantity which is heaped upon us, the gifts which are given are of the finest quality.

How can it be then that I can go through my day (week/month/year) and not recognize these amazing gifts?  Oh, yes.  That’s right.  Because of my amazing capacity for taking things for granted.  It gets worse, too.  See, because not only to I take things for granted, but I also am arrogant enough to have…expectations.  Oh, yes.  Jenn definitely has her own opinion about How Things Should Be.  She might not necessarily tell you — she’s contrary like that — but the sentiment exists nonetheless.  Especially when it comes to HER plan for HER life.

Far be it for me to say that Jenn could have had some thoughts like:

1.  At age 18, I definitely should be living on my own with my own house, or at the *very* least, my own apartment.

2.  I *absolutely* wanted to have a husband and start having a family by the time I was 25, although I was fine with starting earlier — you know, like at age 19.  After all, I had already lived so incredibly long that I might as well get on with it before I got — horrors — old.

3.  I *certainly* wanted to be finished having all my children by the time I was 30.  My mom had her last child when she was 30, and she still has enough energy to run around with us.  I wouldn’t want to be so old that I couldn’t play with my children and do all the things with them that I wanted to do.  (Remember, too, that Jenn had grandiose dreams of attending all the Gymboree classes, and Mommy and Me classes, and Toddler Aquatics sessions, etc. etc. etc.)

4.  And somewhere in there, I was going to finish the 4 or 5 degrees that I wanted to complete, have a job that I loved, find time to have an immaculate and well-organized home, start making healthy and well-balanced meals for my family, get all of my childhood photographs into artistically done albums, become really good at ice skating and tennis and skiing and swimming, learn how to dive, write amazing books which would inspire millions, become a doctor, find a cure for AIDS and those cool little hemorrhagic virii while working in a world-class center like CDC or USAMRIID, and generally do all manner of astounding things so that . . . people would love me.

Really, I just wanted to be loved.

I just felt that I had to *do* something — otherwise, there was no reason for anyone to love me.  And the more I wanted — needed — to be loved, the more elaborate the goals (which of course, became fantasies, and the more I realized that I was not living up to what I thought I should be doing, and compared my life to my arbitrary measuring stick of what it should be like and found it wanting, the more depressed I became at the utter failure that I was).

Okie dokie, we are *really* healthy now, right?  🙂

So, current day, where are we?

1.  Well, I *am* living on my own, in a house.  I’m not currently paying the mortgage as I should, but that’s another matter.

2.  I *had* a husband, and a baby.

3.  I am now — oh, my — 30, divorced and working on an annulment, and do not have any (living) children.

4.  Well, I did manage to eke out one degree, but none of the others, although I have added a few more degrees to the list of ones I would like to have.  I *do* have a job that I love; well, at least people who I work for whom I love.  Hahaha, clean organized house — gimme a break!  I *did* start towards that healthy meal thing this Lent.  Um, yeah, photos still in shoeboxes…14 shoeboxes to be precise — at least I did kind of get the shoeboxes grouped into rough categories, although the last years photos…not so much.  And please excuse me while I roll on the floor for a while laughing maniacally at the rest of those items.

And getting those people to love me?  Well, I’m told that some do, and that God *certainly* does — just for me, not for anything that I did.  And I am trying to work on understanding that concept.

So, my plans have largely gone the way Of Mice and Men.  Maybe I’ll be able to start letting go of my vision of my future, and be open to His plan for my future…since, you know, He probably has a better plan than me anyway.    🙂

 LWB, Wednesday 4/2

Today’s Gospel speaks of darkness and light and our choices (Jn 3:16-21).  The LWB reflection reminds us that we are wary of letting others into that core of us, that most of us have some sort of façade that we display in public.  We wouldn’t want to “air our dirty laundry.”  We generally want others to think well of us, and so we promote that which is good, and try to hide that which is bad in our own character.  We can become so good at doing this that we end up lying to ourselves about our inner natures — thinking that we are better than we actually are.  It is so much easier to gloss over the (many) parts of my day where I was sinful or neglectful or apathetic or selfish, and think instead on the (few) times of the day where I actually projected Jesus onto others.  So, I would have to answer the book — no, I don’t often allow myself to look honestly at myself.  Why not?  Because that is quite often a pretty ugly picture.

So here comes the hard part — actually taking a good look at yourself.  Here, too, it can become easy to shift from one extreme to the other, and think that everything that you do is bad or not good enough, or simply that you could have done more.  This in itself *can* be a healthy way to grow into a more holy life.  However, I am a little more messed up that that, and when I do take a look at myself, I see *only* the bad, and start developing this unhealthy disgust with myself, to which I like to combine a little self-loathing and feelings of futility at the whole project that is me.

Which is why the wise people who wrote this little book told you to invite the Lord to this self-inspection.  He knows everything about me, after all.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  And you know what?  He loves me!  No matter how far astray I’ve gone, He just wants me to turn back to Him and work on getting home.  And He’s here to help, and He’s here for the entire journey.  I can’t find my way on my own.  I’m my own worst enemy at times (okay, most of the time).  But if I trust in Him and follow His guidance, I will certainly get to my destination.  But, what will happen if I continue to play ostrich to my faults and failings?  Perhaps the day of my judgment will come before I have had a chance to work out my problem areas (especially given the fact that I *love* to procrastinate, particularly with those chores I dislike the most). 

Now for perhaps the hardest part of all:  tuning out my inner chatter so that I can listen for God when He tries to nudge me in the right direction.

 End of Part I:
Since the next few days begin the “Bread of Life Discourse,” I will end this post here, and finish catching up later.  🙂

Go Ahead, Push My Buttons

Presentations/Talks, Right to Life Issues

Okay, I read in OLGC bulletin that there was going to be a talk on U-M campus entitled “Why Liberals and Feminists Should Be Pro-Life” and decided to stay a little late at work and head over.  There was so much in that talk that I could blog about, but for now I’ll just comment on one thing at the end during the question and answer period.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to give a longer post on the talk over the weekend.

Towards the end of the question and answer period, which kept trying to become a heated debate between students/attendees, a girl (I call everyone girl, regardless of age, just a quirk of mine — she called herself an X-year old woman) was upset at the speaker, saying (essentially) that the speaker was talking of ideals and of a perfect world that does not exist, and that since we are currently in a world where women are still being put down for their sex and still in relationships where the men have control over when the couple will be conjugally active and where rape still exists — that abortion should still be legal, so that these women would not be forced to continue with a pregnancy that they might not have freely chosen.  One of her main points was that abortion was necessary as long as society devalued women [her] because “I have a vagina.”

Okay.  So my interpretation of what she is saying goes something like this:  You are upset because someone [males in power in society, presumably] is not giving you full human rights and dignity due to the anatomical fact that you have a vagina.  However, you do not see any irony in the fact that you are willing to deny someone [the unborn] every human right, beginning with the right to life, due to the anatomical fact that they have an umbilical cord?

And, further, if you are concerned about equal status and equal value amongst the sexes, promoting an attitude where certain people [the unborn] are not valued is not going to promote a societal ethos where that equality will be felt in the heart of the people.  Only if every single person, regardless of age, sex, birth status, mental capacity, etc., is seen as a unique, unrepeatable, special individual made in the image and likeness of God, in whom God is deeply and radically in love, can we begin to live in a society where each person is treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.

 Yeah, so basically, I tried really hard to fight the urge to want to whap everyone there upside the head with a copy of “Theology of the Body.”

I may have to create a whole separate page on my blog just to talk about this issue, until I have properly vented.  What do you think?  Shall we have a pro-life forum here?  🙂

Most Ridiculous Thing I’ve Heard All Day

Health and Medicine, Humor of the Day, Theology of the Body

Earlier today, one of our nurses came up to me and mentioned that an insurance company denied a patient a PET scan because they only approve so many PET scans per year, and this particular patient (not one of mine) was not on their list.  Nevermind if it’s a medically necessary study, or the fact that the patient hasn’t had one before.  “We gave a PET scan to “Frank,” so “Bill” will be unable to have one.”  What kind of policy is that?  Assuming that you are an insurance company and you have 100 patients and you only approve 5 PET scans a year, how do you determine who gets one?  Alphabetically?  Certainly they do not have the kind of information to be able to know who is worse off from a medical perspective, especially if a PET can tell you about the extent of the disease, and that’s precisely what they are limiting.

But then, she said the best thing of all.  Apparently the insurance representative told her that it was okay to deny the authorization for the PET scan, since, “The pancreas is an experimental organ anyway.”

Really?  Huh.  And here I thought that God had been making people with pancreases since Adam and Eve.  Apparently not.  Since when did people start becoming equipped with a pancreas? 

So, they are saying that God is experimenting with the human body??  (Obviously, they cannot be arguing from a Darwinian model, since random mutation and evolutionary processes can hardly qualify as an “experiment.”  You kinda need sentience for that, in order to evaluate results.)

What?  To see if people with pancreases sinned less than people without pancreases?  But, God is all-knowing.  He doesn’t need to conduct experiments.  If we are truly free-willed, then the presence or absence of a pancreas (assuming that a pancreas affects the decisions that we make, morally speaking) would have to have no affect on our decisions, or then God would be skewing things either in His favor, or out of His favor, as it comes to our choosing to be obedient or not.

So what type of experiment could God be running that He wouldn’t know the answer to already, and that wouldn’t influence our will?

And more to the point, how is it that this insurance company is privy to God’s experiments?  If they have some sort of direct pipe to know His mind on things — I want in on that!  It would save me a lot of grief if I already knew the correct answer/response to things, instead of trying to discern on my own, because I *know* that *my* thinking is flawed.

But okay, let’s examine this pancreas issue for just a moment.  My vote is that the pancreas would increase our tendency to sin.  Why do I say this?  Well, if your blood sugar is either too high or too low, then you are more prone to mood swings, and behaving poorly because your emotions may be erratic and you are irritable.  This of course supposes that the previous system (in the non-pancreas people) worked perfectly.

 Of course, the other option is that the pancreas is *not* an experimental organ, and is an integral part of God’s design for the body.

More Fun with Appliances

Humor of the Day, Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts

Hahahahaha! Just now, S was making a pot of coffee for her and Dr. K (as the only 2 people in the office without Starbucks addictions, who can still drink “normal” coffee). For whatever reason, it doesn’t drain down and fills the little filter bucket, which then overflows, making a huge mess over the counter. I help her clean it up, and she tries again. Same thing. She calls me over for help. Another secretary, K, wanders over to see what the fuss is about. So, now K and S are watching as I try to take the filter-bucket-thing off (which is full of water, grounds and coffee). It sticks on something coming off and hot water, coffee and grounds splash all over me and the surrounding area. (It’s hot!) I was happy it didn’t get K or S. Of course I couldn’t be wearing a dark colored shirt this morning, so I look like I’ve been in a mud fight. We were laughing so hard!

After we clean this up, I say, “Let’s try it again!” (See, I am wise. Or stupid. Something.) “Only this time, we’ll only use 3 cups of water and the filter and see if we can get the water to go through by itself.” Now, picture it: 3 secretaries are huddled around this tiny coffeemaker, watching it brew…hot water. 🙂 This worked fine, so we next try to make a regular pot of coffee again. This time, we actually get it.

Dr. K will be back in about 15 minutes from his meeting before he goes to clinic. I think I shall stand up and say, “I had to fight for it, but I won some coffee for you this morning!”

Whoever said secretarial work is dull was soooo wrong!

Hahaha! Dr. K leaves for clinic, “Don’t touch anything electrical!”

Right Now Is a Good Thing

Easter

Little White Book, Tuesday 4/1

Nicodemus asks Jesus about God, and Jesus answers him that the He is the only one who has seen the Father, and that if He has been preaching about things of this world and we do not understand, what sense does it make to preach of things of the life to come?

Well, certainly that makes sense.  If I don’t understand quadratic equations, how am I going to understand triple integrals?  I can’t read War and Peace, if I am struggling to read Dr. Seuss.

A quote from the LWB from Jesus, “As the Father loves me, so do I love you.”  Hmm….  And the Father, with all of His love for His only Son, still willed that Jesus would go through His Passion, so that we could all be redeemed.  Makes one think twice about all the trials that one has in her own life.  If Jesus had to go through *that* for a greater purpose (which was unfair to Him — He was without sin!), then certainly there is reason for the trials that I undergo.  My trials are either:

1.  Of my own making and allowed by God.
2.  Of someone else’s making and allowed by God.
3.  From God.

He can use *any* circumstance for my good.  I may not understand right now how these things can be good, but this will be revealed to me later.  I have to learn to trust in Him and in His love for me.  How often is it that I wish to be like Nicodemus and have all of my questions answered right now about the nature of things.  Jesus is just reminding us that we are not yet ready to have all of our questions answered.  But, don’t fall into the trap of Adam and Eve and think that God is holding out on us, because it is His intention all along to have all of us share in His divine life.  We just have to be patient.

This, of course, is one of the classic ways in which I tend to screw things up for myself:  I can’t wait.  I always want to rush through things and get to the next stage, to achieve more, to accomplish the next task, to grow up.  Do, do, do.  In my frenzied movement, I rarely take the time to enjoy and give thanks for the present.  God loves you where you are — it would probably be a good thing to spend some time there, with Him, instead of ignoring this and constantly looking ahead.

Who Am I?

Meme

You’re St. Justin Martyr!

You have a positive and hopeful attitude toward the world. You think that nature, history, and even the pagan philosophers were often guided by God in preparation for the Advent of the Christ. You find “seeds of the Word” in unexpected places. You’re patient and willing to explain the faith to unbelievers.

Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

Okay, okay, this quiz has some REALLY funny answers:

When you hear the co-worker in the next cubicle utter heresy, you instinctively…
 b. hit him with a mallet and then question his masculinity.
d. suggest that the current troubles in the Holy Land are his fault.

You think marriage…
a. is useful for the propagation of future celibates.

“Hit him with a mallet and then question his masculinity.” — What?  Are you implying that this is MY answer?  (Please ignore my 9-iron policy and The Manhood Test.  Oh, and that little hammer-thing over there?  It’s nothing.  Don’t worry over it.)