Tag Archives: God

I’m Dying… What Does That Mean??

Of Trials Opportunities and Gifts, Tales of My Amazing Priests, , ,

Every so often, there is a story that touches people so deeply, they share it with those around them. Which usually means that it’s in everyone’s Facebook feed or e-mail inbox and favorited on Pinterest and YouTube. This one is no exception. Today, it was the story of Zach Sobiech, a young man who died of osteosarcoma this weekend. But he lived amazingly, and that is what he will be remembered for. I watched the 22 minute long video of his story. And the music video to his song, “Clouds“. And the video that his friends and family made in response to his music video. They were beautiful.

I downloaded the song and played it over and over as I drove to church after work. It really made me cry.

It made me cry, because it made me think. I have a terminal illness. I have no idea how much longer I have to live. It’s not the dying that is upsetting, it’s the living. Am I living the way I ought? This young man clearly has touched thousands of people. What about me? Has my life “meant anything” to anyone?

What if it has not? What if I never really impacted anyone? What is it of me that will remain in people’s hearts after I am gone?

So, I cried.

I cried and I went into the church and I curled up on a bench in the Adoration space behind the tabernacle. I texted one of my best friends, “Do I make any difference?” I was grateful for the organ music being practiced in the church — this masked my sniffling and the way my breath catches as I try to hold the sobs in.

He texted me back, “Sounds like the evil one has your ear. The answer to your question is found by looking at a cross.”

OLGC Crucifix

Oh, the irony. I was sitting under a cross. Well, the church’s crucifix, to be precise, but that’s what he meant anyway.

I sat there, trying to understand. Trying to find the answer. What is it that he says about the cross? That you can know that you are loved because Jesus did *that* for *you*. That you are loved far more than you can ever imagine. That even if you were the only human on earth, He would still have become man and died for you. I have worth because I am made in the image and likeness of God.

This was helpful, but it wasn’t the main thrust of my upset. I know that God loves me, and that I have intrinsic dignity.

My crying let up, and I gave this all more thought. Why am I so upset? What is the problem?

I don’t think my life is making a difference or impacting anyone else.

Okay.

Which lead to another question:

Does this matter?

I thought back to my original question: Do I make any difference?

Difference to who? To God? Well, I guess in some ways, the answer to that is yes and no. I mean, God doesn’t *need* anyone. But for some reason, He wants me. He willed me into existence, sustains me here and invites me into relationship with Him. To other people? I guess this is the real question.

Do I make any difference? It’s more of a material question than an existential one. I want my life to somehow positively benefit others. Does it? How can I do this more?

Is this the right thing to want?

I think most people want greatness for their lives. They want to live heroically and with integrity. To be someone others can look up to. To be a saint. I don’t think most people look at their life and decide, “Hey, I want to be mediocre and average.” And it can be good — motivating — to have lofty goals and to set your standards high.

But…

Does this mean that if you do *not* make some material contribution to the good of others that you’ve “failed” at life? Let’s look at some extreme examples. What about people who were born without proper mental faculties for whatever reason, or children who have died very young or before birth. Were their lives less “important” than, say Mother Teresa’s? Of course not. While it’s true that Mother Teresa did amazing things and touched millions of lives, this doesn’t mean that others’ lives are of lesser value.

God doesn’t grade us according to our utility. We just tend to grade ourselves this way.

Another question: How much of my angst is due to my own pridefulness in wanting to Do Great Things and be recognized?

A good question.

After all, if my life in any way positively benefits someone else, it’s actually God’s doing, really, and not mine.

And why am I being all judging about how my life is impacting others’? Isn’t this somewhat of a mystery anyway? Isn’t this what is going to be revealed to us at the end of time when we receive our final judgment? Perhaps I have a greater impact than I know, and am being silly about being upset about it now.

As I was sitting there, praying and contemplating all these things, I heard Mass begin. What? Mass? At 7 pm on a Tuesday? I quickly checked the parish calendar and saw that there was a Men’s Fellowship Mass. Oh. Well, I’m not a man, so I don’t think that I can attend this Mass. “No girls allowed” and all that. But I didn’t want to leave. So I participated from the other side of the tabernacle.

It was kind of hard to hear, since the speakers weren’t set up for my location and there were odd echoes and things. But what I did hear felt like the Mass was just for me. The first reading was from Sirach 2:1-11, which is going to be one of my readings at my funeral services. It’s about knowing that there’s going to be a trial, and to persevere. The rest of Mass was kind of like this. I absorbed more of the spirit of it, rather than the verbatim of the readings and homily. There will be trials and temptations. Keep fighting. God is faithful. Things I really needed to hear.

This Mass was such a blessing. I felt much better. Not just emotionally, either.

I left for home after Mass. On the way out, I passed by the sacristy. Both of my priests were in there de-vesting. My friend was the one who had presided at Mass tonight. When he saw me, he said, “I just said Mass for you. Hang in there, kiddo.”

By the time I got home, everything was different. My worries were gone. Not only that, but it was like I had a reinvigoration of my prayer life and relationship with God, also. I could say that it’s my innate resiliency, or the fact that I finally realized that I was worrying over nothing. But I know what it really is.

Grace.

Thanks be to God.

Clouds
by Zach Sobiech

Well I fell down, down, down
Into this dark and lonely hole
There was no one there to care about me anymore
And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge
You were sitting there holding a rope

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear
It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now

When I get back on land
Well I’ll never get my chance
Be ready to live and it’ll be ripped right out of my hands
Maybe someday we’ll take a little ride
We’ll go up, up, up and everything will be just fine

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear

It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now
If only I had a little bit more time
If only I had a little bit more time with you

We could go up, up, up
And take that little ride
And sit there holding hands
And everything would be just right
And maybe someday I’ll see you again
We’ll float up in the clouds and we’ll never see the end

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear
It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now

PFI #8

Grad School/Seminary, , ,

8. The Meaning of “Creation”

According to St. Thomas, ‘creation’ is to make out of nothing.  We can never create, because it requires an infinite being to cross from non-being into being.  Creation itself is not a change; it must be whole and instantaneous.  Because God is pure act, there is only one eternal act of creation.

PFI #6

Grad School/Seminary, , ,

6. The Basis for Analogy according to Thomas Aquinas

In order to develop a positive theology of God, we must appeal to analogy (a dissimilar similarity).  God can only be understood by analogy to His creatures.  Because we have an asymmetrical causal relationship to God, there cannot be a perfect understanding of Him, but only an analogous relationship.  Any perfection found in us is found in God in a preeminent and unified fashion.  Even with analogy, we still don’t know what God is.

PFI #5

Grad School/Seminary, , , , , ,

5. Thomas’s Understanding of “Motion” in the First Way

St. Thomas doesn’t think you can demonstrate one way or the other whether the world is eternal, but that it was created.  It necessarily depends upon a creator God.  Our being is being-in-motion.  If there is motion, we are not there yet. 

Motion = reduction from potentiality to actuality.  Trying to demonstrate that potentiality cannot actualize itself.  It can only move form potentiality to actuality by something ina state of actuality.  Act is always prior to potentiality.  A think cannot be potentially and be actually at the same time without violating the principle of non-contradiction.  So, something cannot move itself — this would mean it was moving and potentially moving at the same time.  Motion is a progression toward some actualization.  Anything in motion was put into motion by another.  This cannot go into infinity, otherwise the originating effect has no account for itself.  Therefore, you need an unmoved mover. 

God is not in motion.  He is pure act.  You need the simultaneous presence of God in order to sustain the present motion of the world.  He needs to be present now.  If He is taken out of existence, we would cease to be.  God is outside of time, sustaining time.  He must be outside of time, because time is a measure of change and God is unmovable.

PFI #4

Grad School/Seminary, , , ,

4.  Thomas’s Twofold Understanding of Scientific Demonstration

Because it is not self-evident to us, if we are to have scientific knowledge of God, we need to offer some demonstration.  We need to make a demonstration a posteriori (to argue from what is prior relative to us).  We can only know God by means of His effects.  We do not have an immediate cognitive knowledge of God.  Because God’s effects are not proportionate to God Himself, we can only have an imperfect knowledge of God.  At the conclusion of any demonstration of God’s existence, we may know that He exists, but cannot know God.  We cannot exhaust the truth of God.

PFI #3

Grad School/Seminary, , , , ,

3. Thomas Aquinas’s Twofold Understanding of the Self-Evident

If something is self-evident, the predicate is contained within the subject.  Man=rational animal –> Rational animal is an animal.  Therefore, it is self-evident.  However, you need to know the essence of something.  E.g. The essence of man is to be a rational animal.  If you do not know the essence of the predicate and the subject, it may be self-evident in itself, but not to you.  We cannot know the essence or nature of God in this life.

PFI #2

Grad School/Seminary, , ,

2. St. Anselm’s Surrogate Formula for God

St. Anselm’s surrogate formula for God is that ‘God’ = ‘That which nothing greater can be conceived.’  Given this definition of God, St. Anselm build his argument for the existence of God.  He first asks, “Is it possible that God actually exists?”  In his surrogate formula, ‘God’ is replaced by ‘That which nothing greater can be conceived’.  So the question is posed as, “Is it possible that [that which nothing greater can be conceived] actually exists?”

First, we need to define things.  For existence, something cannot both be and not be at the same time (principle of non-contradiction).  For St. Anselm, there are two modes of existence: mental and extramental.  Something can exist in your understanding, even if it doesn’t exist in reality.

We can conceive of [that which nothing greater can be conceived].  Is it possible that [that which nothing greater can be conceived] only exists mentally?  What is better?  To exist solely in the mind, or to exist both in the mind and in reality?  Both.  Then, [that which nothing greater can be conceived] has to exist extramentally or else there would be something greater than [that which nothing greater can be conceived], and you would be embracing a contradiction.  Therefore, God must exist extramentally (God=that which nothing greater can be conceived).

TFI #3

Grad School/Seminary, , ,

3.  [What are] the limits of our knowledge of God?

We can really only make analogies to describe God.  Eventually, all analogies will fall short because God is infinite and no single formula can encompass all that He is.  He is far beyond our imaginings.  Whatever method we use to describe God will ultimately tell us more of what we do not know about God than of what we do know about God.